Howdy ya'll.. (all 2 of you who read these things).
Finally, I can take a breath a maybe get in a little blogging time. These past couple of months have been two of the most hellacious months I've experienced in quite some time. Not only have I been preparing for my first masters recital, but I've been moving apartments and training for a half-marathon, all the while trying to maintain appropriate grades in all my classes. (Finally in real masters classes. None of that 'review' crap!)
So, now I'm in the last 3 weeks before my recital, and I'm feeling pretty confident with it. The third mvt of Vieuxtemps is giving me a little trouble and my collaborative pianist isn't returning my texts requesting rehearsal times, but it's all good...right? My lessons have been, for the most part positive, I mean, when I can get Dr. C to actually believe that I can play past the first page. Yes, I'm still dealing with performance anxiety; that will always be something I continue to work on. I will say I'm making great strides, and I hope to have a better control of this anxiety by Nov. 13.
What I've come realize is that we often times, at least for me, tend to fight or resist this anxiety. I personally find that when I do this it only makes matters worse.
!WARNING! Now going on a brief tangent, but I promise it all ties in together.
I remember back when I was in 8th or 9th grade, I was attending Sunday school. We were all given a piece of paper and were told to write any question, no matter what it might be, and then to hand it in. Most of the questions were rather silly like, "Will Mickey Mouse go to Heaven?" Yeah, stuff like that. Remember, it was the youth group. However, being the more serious minded person I was/am, my question was thus, "According to the Seven Deadly Sins, anger is one of those sins. So, was Jesus angry or not when he turned over the tables and whipped the people who had turned God's house into a market place?"
(This was before I knew more about the so-called 7 Deadly Sins being man made and not found in the Bible, but go with me on this.)
The answer I received was basically, (paraphrased), "We all have anger, even God. The difference is that His anger is righteous indignation while ours is more petty. Our petty anger is what leads us to sin." So, anger is the "pot" of the sin world apparently.
Anyways, the point is is that we all have anger, and we all have to accept that part of ourselves. We can choose to give in to it an allow it to control us, or we can control it. Jesus controlled his anger and only when it was righteous did he allow it to show. In the same way, we can learn to recognize our anxiety and only allow it to show when it best suits our purpose.
One of my favorite quotes from the TV series "Missing" is, "Fear is what kills you, it's nervousness that keeps you alive." It's accepting the anxiety and not letting it turn into fear.
One of the techniques I've been working on in this acceptance is a combination of something Dr. C told me to try and something I learned from Tara Brach's audio-book "Radical Acceptance." Dr. C told me to give my anxiety a name, something silly, I came up with Pedro. Once you give it a name, when you feel him/her coming on say, "Pedro, go f*** yourself!" I don't normally use such harsh language when talking to myself (remember, the anxiety is a part of you), but it really depends on how much coffee I had.... Anyways, Ms Brach talks about accepting parts of you by first identifying them, by name is you have to, and welcoming them as if they are an old friend. Then tell them to stay in their little corner. I find this technique oddly satisfying, especially when Pedro behaves...
So this is where I segue into kung-fu. I've recently have re-fallen in love with martial arts, specifically with Chinese Kung Fu. It's always been a minor passion of mine, but I never took the time to really study it, until now. I've recently begun taking Tai-Chi lessons at the Cincinnati Kung-Fu and Tai-Chi center. Why Tai-Chi, you might ask. Isn't Tai-Chi that really slow meditative movements? How is that "martial arts"? Remember the movie "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon." The fighting style used in that movie was none other than Tai-Chi. BOOM!
But yes, Tai-Chi has other benefits. Tai-Chi is part of the Wudang style of Chinese Martial Arts, as opposed to Shaolin Chinese Martial Arts. Wudang focuses more on inner strength and confidence. Sounds like something I could use right. It's all about using your chi, your energy, and controlling it. I've mentioned in previous posts that I've been experimenting with mediation, well, I've replaced it with practicing Tai-Chi. Mainly because Shi-Fu Ware hasn't taught me any daoist mediation techniques yet. This class that I'm taking not only teaches Tai-Chi but Qi Gong, and eventually like I said, daoist meditation.
Qi Gong is used for many purposes in Chinese culture. There are three types: Healing, Martial, and I forgot the other, but it does exist. Shi-Fu Ware is teaching me the Healing version. It focuses on combining motion, with mental intent , with breathing exercises (spirit). I highly recommend this for every one!
I've already have started applying some of what I've learned in these lessons to viola and I'm finding they actually do help out a lot! Again, every one needs to try this, but be careful you get a qualified Tai-Chi instructor recognized by other Tai-Chi masters. There are a lot of fakes out there.
I've also been working on DMA applications. The schools I'm looking at are CCM (obviously), Texas Christian University, and Oklahoma University. Right now I'm in the phase of "what do I have to do to apply?" So far it's turn in a sample of my writing that's at least 7 pages in length with bibliography and footnotes. I don't really have anything like that, so this is gonna be interesting. But it has to be done. I need to right letters behind my name!!!!
Final Thought(s):
The entire world is driven by a will, blind and ruthless. In order to transcend the limitations of that world, you need to stop willing, stop desiring, stop hating. --Lao Ma
To conquer others is to have power. To conquer yourself is to know the way. --Lao Ma
