Short answer:
- I allowed myself to second guess thus exacerbating my already high level of performance anxiety.
Long answer:
- I didn't warm-up properly
- I picked the wrong focus (getting through it instead of a technical or musical attribute)
- I didn't go through my normal performance ritual I had been practicing
- I didn't allow myself to "feel the room"
- I didn't allow myself time to feel my instrument and reconnect
So this was definitely a win for "Self 1". This brings the score board to Self 1-4, Self 2-4. Even tie. (for those of you who have forgotten, Self 1 is "interference", Self 2 is "potential". We like self 2)
If it weren't for the beta blocker I took before I played, I would have been a mess they would have had to mop up from the floor. I was really embarrassed. I knew the piece, nit-picked it, but I didn't allow myself to show that I had done any of this work. I enforced my old bad habits of performance practice which have done nothing but create this fear of performing through a slew of consistent negative performance experiences. So ultimately, it's my fault.
I will say though, I do have confirmation I can and do know how to play my viola. Dr. Carroll told me in my last lesson that both she and Mr. Kawasaki, after watching my Aspen audition tape, both commented on how good I sounded on the recording. She looked at me and asked, "Why don't you sound like that all the time?" I just shrugged. I wish I knew. But at least all my claims of, "This sounded better in the practice room," have been validated.
So what do I need to do? Perform! Every week if I can manage it. This is why I signed up for this advanced rep class, because I need to learn how to perform. I practice it in the practice room, but no one's there to criticize me, so therefore I have no fear of making mistakes. I think I even need to perform in performance class more often. Even if it's just a kreutzer etude a week, a scale, or an excerpt. I'll talk this over with Dr. C.
Luckily, I'll have two opportunities next week to redeem myself. I'll be performing the excerpt again in rep class, and I'm performing my concerto in performance class. I decided while I was sitting down after my horrendous rendition of the excerpt that I had two choices: to either let myself feel like dirt after that performance and continue to beat myself up over it, or use the experience to my advantage and use it as inspiration to better myself and work harder. To take the time to recognize what I could do better and learn from the experience in order to keep it from happening again. I chose the latter. Each performance is a learning opportunity. My former teacher at WSU, Catherine Consiglio, always said that these performances shouldn't be thought of as "performances" but as "a learning experience...a part of my education." When I reminded myself of this, it took a greater part of the edge out of my bitterness.
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I finished "The Wise Man's Fear" by Patrick Rothfuss. I personally gave it a 4.5 out of 5. This was mainly due to the fact I felt it was like a never-ending-story. It was well written and extremely captivating, but in many places it would never move on. But, if you like sci-fi/fantasy, the Kingkiller Chronicle is a must.
Now I'm reading Thomas Hardy's "Jude the Obscure." I think Rothfuss might have gotten a lot of his inspiration for the hero of his story, Kvothe, from this book. In many ways, they are exactly a like. And honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if I was right on this. If I ever meet him I will confirm and let you all know. I'm hoping this finish with this book soon because I need to get back to my main series I've been reading for the better part of 7 years, the Wheel of Time. Fourteen books, each a minimum of 600 pages. That takes a long time to read, and I'm not the fastest reader on the planet.
Final Thought:
There is "do" or "do not." There is no "try."
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